To Run Faster Than is Needful (Part 2)

Read Part 1

In the months since that day, I have been amazed by the love and support that we have had from our friends and family and especially our ward family.  I spent 4 days in the hospital before I was able to go home.  For 2 months I was not able to bear weight on my right leg as the fracture began to heal.  I was on a walker for those two months, which, let me tell you is not conducive to motherhood.  I had plenty of frustrations in that time because of my inability to do even the most basic of things to take care of myself and my family.  I couldn’t make meals, shop for groceries, drive myself or kids to appointments, change diapers, laundry, bathing my kids or myself.  I had incredible amounts of help and service given to our family. One of the most significant was that a friend and co-worker of Adam volunteered to switch and take his night shift allowing Adam to be home in the evenings to help me.  That meant that for 4 months he took a night shift so that Adam had his day shift, even though he also has a young family.  Every week for 2 months a friend of mine cleaned my bathrooms.  The ward brought meals every night that Adam worked for two months.  I had people helping me with the kids, taking them to parks, for play dates, etc.  Family and friends would drop by and say what can I clean or help with?  They would drop by with notes, flowers, books, treats, snacks, muffins, pancakes, etc.  My visiting teachers and many others came to clean, sweep, mop, help with laundry, and watched kids numerous times for or drove me to appointments with Dr’s and physical therapy and pool therapy. One dear sister in our ward came every afternoon for weeks, to help me clean up the messes of the day before Adam would get home from work so that he didn’t have to after getting kids to bed.  The young women in our ward came and cleaned my house and also helped with babysitting for various appointments.  My nephew and the scouts helped mow the lawn during the summer.  My teenage niece and my sister each came and stayed for 2 weeks to help me 24/7 with the kids – can you imagine spending your summer vacation jumping into that as a teen? One night, when Adam was still working nights, I remember having 8 people at my house to help me with a normal bedtime routine and laundry.  I know that if you take any mom of the equation for even a short time – it takes an army to take her place to keep a home running.  

The list goes on and I have been and continue to be amazed at the charity and service of others.  My heart has been changed; with greater love and compassion for those who have done so much to help me and my family through this.  The reality is that it will never be possible to “pay back” all of those people for what they have done, but I can pay it forward.  After 2 months the fracture was healing well and I was given the okay to start putting weight on my leg again and over a few weeks was able to move from a walker to crutches.  Just FYI, crutches are also not easy for a mom with little ones.  Although the fracture is healing, by this time I had been to many doctors and had many tests done.  Ultimately I still don’t have a lot of answers.  I had a bone scan that revealed that I have Osteopenia, which are the early signs of Osteoporosis.  This is concerning given my age and activity level, most with test results like mine are usually found in postmenopausal women in their late 50s.  I live a relatively healthy active life, really doing the things that should prevent this kind of condition, so it was a concern for my doctors because several things just aren’t adding up.  I have been referred on to a highly recommended endocrinologist in the area, which I have been waiting to see for almost 2 months.  In the meantime I have Googled too many things and it always raises some concerns, but hopefully once I see him we can start getting some clarification and a plan of treatment.  

Despite all of this, we have tried to have a summer and do some fun things with our kids.  We’ve taken a couple trips to our family cabin, always fun and lots of laughs.  I took Lydia to see an out door play of Cinderella in the small town where the cabin is.  By august I was feeling well enough that we made a trip out to California to see Adam’s family and visit before his sister moved to Ghana.  Once I got back from California I felt like I was finally moving around better.  I was down to one crutch, and I finally got the okay to drive again, started making dinners again regularly, and other normal things.  Now, four months later, I am mostly off the crutches, but I still limp and probably will for several more months.  We continue to have our struggles, me especially as I try to resume “super mom,” but ultimately I’m just not going to be there for a while.  Adam has been great through all of this.  He had to play the part of mom and dad for a while and we feel constantly exhausted in so many ways.  This is just such a small things when we back out and look at the greater picture.  We have also seen many friends go through very difficult things this summer and we are grateful that this is temporary.  There have been so many lessons that we have learned over this summer, it has given us a chance to slow down a little and realize that we don’t need to run faster than is needful and often we do. 

To Run Faster Than is Needful (Part 1)

Where to begin… May 15, 2012

Something felt a little off after I finished running just three miles.  I did a short run because I was trying to rest before Saturday, my first half marathon.   I had SI joint problems during pregnancy and that’s what it felt like, nothing to really worry about.  I took it kind of easy, used ice, Ibuprofen, and did some exercises.  For the most part the pain was gone.  I thought, see I know what to do, it’ll be fine.  I kept having the impression to not run the race.  No.  Way.  I was not going to let a little bit of discomfort stop me, that would be silly, I can do hard things and this is not a hard thing,  I knew that my body was capable of running much harder.  Two days later, I ran again, 6 miles this time.  It didn’t hurt until the last 5 minutes.  It’s getting better, I thought, see I know what to do, I can do this.  Followed by the impression and uneasiness of feeling like I maybe I shouldn’t run the race,  maybe get it checked out, but that won’t tell me anything and they might possibly say I shouldn’t run I argued with myself, I don’t hurt that much and I shrugged it off.    Rest.  Ice.  Exercises.  Once again the pain was gone. 

May 19, 2012.  The big day arrived.  I didn’t want to wake the family, I texted Adam that I would see him at the finish line about 11/11:30 that morning.  I was excited.  I’d wanted to do this for a long time.  Knowing that I had been hurting I thought I’ll take it easy, but I’ll finish.  I started strong; it was a beautiful morning for a run.  Clear blue skies; it was a little chilly at the starting line, but once I started running it was refreshing. All the beauty around me, running alongside the Boise River, the trees, the breeze, and my IPod keeping me smiling song after song.  I love that feeling when I run; I don’t have a care in the world.  As we started getting into the city I was nearing mile 9 when the little twinges I had felt off and on became very constant.  I modified my running a little to help, and that got me another half mile or so, but as neared mile 10 I kept fighting the impression that I needed to walk.  If I started walking it would be harder to start running again, I didn’t want to stop.  If impressions could yell – it was screaming in my face.  I finally surrendered.  I walked, for a few minutes, I thought, you have 5 minutes and then pick it up again – you can do this.  And I could – I had run nearly 12 miles pain free the previous Saturday and felt amazing after.  I knew I was capable.  I ran and walked and ran and walked, fighting until I reached mile 10 when the screaming impressions said if you do not walk you will not finish.  I was in pain now with every step, FINE, I gave in, I will walk and when I get to the end I will run so that my kids can see mommy finish strong, running.  I walked, mad, in pain, discouraged, disappointed, but I kept walking. It was still beautiful outside, the sound of the river was a good distraction, but as I was passed by more and more runners I was embarrassed and discouraged that I had to walk.  I was starting to cramp up and I stopped to stretch at about 12.5 miles hoping that would ease the pain I was feeling and then continued on.  I was nearing the end; I could hear the cheers for other runner as they approached the finish.  I can jog I thought, I took a couple steps and stopped, that was not going to happen.  I kept walking.  I made it to 13 miles.  I’ve made it this far even if I don’t run,  I’m almost there,  my kids and Adam are waiting,  I had to keep moving forward.  I saw a couple familiar faces and they cheered me on and as they walked away I could see it now, the finish.  I felt a little hope that I was almost done, but at the same time my steps slowed, my right leg felt heavier.  Finally I stopped.  I bent forward pressing my hands into my knees and tears welling up in my eyes.  I felt like I was yelling back at my impressions now – I’M ALMOST THERE!  I CAN SEE IT, I can’t come this far and not finish.  I HAVE TO FINISH.  I couldn’t move; my right leg felt like an anchor and I could not physically make my body take another step.  I looked up, and three runners came to my side.  You can do this they encouraged me – you’re so close you have to finish.  I told them that I couldn’t lift my leg, they offered me a shoulder to lean on, and they took all of my weight.  I moved forward, slowly, very, slowly. I apologized that I couldn’t do it on my own; they were encouraging with every step.  I thought okay, try again, and I lowered my right foot to the ground.  As I started to put minimal pressure through the ball of my right foot I felt my right hip collapse.  The pain wasn’t any worse, but I knew that was not good and I knew then that there was no way I could cross that finish line on my own.    As I rounded the final turn I looked up to see Adam running toward me.  He told the runners who had come to my aid that I was his wife and scooped me up like I was a feather.  I felt it then, as my right hip thumped against his waist with each step.  It was only 95 steps to the finish and I could hear a lot of cheers and applause as we passed.  He set me down at the finish and with his support I hopped over the finish line on my left leg and then moved to the side where they quickly brought in a gurney and I was moved to the ambulance.  When I started off the race that was not at all how I intended to finish, but I did finish.         

That afternoon and evening are a vivid blur. It came as quite a shock to me, and the doctors, that I had fractured my right hip and would need surgery to repair it.  Everything happened fast and I was in surgery by 7:30 that night.  I slept heavily that night aided by medications and ice.  As I slept, I dreamt.  I was running again.