To Run Faster Than is Needful (Part 1)

Where to begin… May 15, 2012

Something felt a little off after I finished running just three miles.  I did a short run because I was trying to rest before Saturday, my first half marathon.   I had SI joint problems during pregnancy and that’s what it felt like, nothing to really worry about.  I took it kind of easy, used ice, Ibuprofen, and did some exercises.  For the most part the pain was gone.  I thought, see I know what to do, it’ll be fine.  I kept having the impression to not run the race.  No.  Way.  I was not going to let a little bit of discomfort stop me, that would be silly, I can do hard things and this is not a hard thing,  I knew that my body was capable of running much harder.  Two days later, I ran again, 6 miles this time.  It didn’t hurt until the last 5 minutes.  It’s getting better, I thought, see I know what to do, I can do this.  Followed by the impression and uneasiness of feeling like I maybe I shouldn’t run the race,  maybe get it checked out, but that won’t tell me anything and they might possibly say I shouldn’t run I argued with myself, I don’t hurt that much and I shrugged it off.    Rest.  Ice.  Exercises.  Once again the pain was gone. 

May 19, 2012.  The big day arrived.  I didn’t want to wake the family, I texted Adam that I would see him at the finish line about 11/11:30 that morning.  I was excited.  I’d wanted to do this for a long time.  Knowing that I had been hurting I thought I’ll take it easy, but I’ll finish.  I started strong; it was a beautiful morning for a run.  Clear blue skies; it was a little chilly at the starting line, but once I started running it was refreshing. All the beauty around me, running alongside the Boise River, the trees, the breeze, and my IPod keeping me smiling song after song.  I love that feeling when I run; I don’t have a care in the world.  As we started getting into the city I was nearing mile 9 when the little twinges I had felt off and on became very constant.  I modified my running a little to help, and that got me another half mile or so, but as neared mile 10 I kept fighting the impression that I needed to walk.  If I started walking it would be harder to start running again, I didn’t want to stop.  If impressions could yell – it was screaming in my face.  I finally surrendered.  I walked, for a few minutes, I thought, you have 5 minutes and then pick it up again – you can do this.  And I could – I had run nearly 12 miles pain free the previous Saturday and felt amazing after.  I knew I was capable.  I ran and walked and ran and walked, fighting until I reached mile 10 when the screaming impressions said if you do not walk you will not finish.  I was in pain now with every step, FINE, I gave in, I will walk and when I get to the end I will run so that my kids can see mommy finish strong, running.  I walked, mad, in pain, discouraged, disappointed, but I kept walking. It was still beautiful outside, the sound of the river was a good distraction, but as I was passed by more and more runners I was embarrassed and discouraged that I had to walk.  I was starting to cramp up and I stopped to stretch at about 12.5 miles hoping that would ease the pain I was feeling and then continued on.  I was nearing the end; I could hear the cheers for other runner as they approached the finish.  I can jog I thought, I took a couple steps and stopped, that was not going to happen.  I kept walking.  I made it to 13 miles.  I’ve made it this far even if I don’t run,  I’m almost there,  my kids and Adam are waiting,  I had to keep moving forward.  I saw a couple familiar faces and they cheered me on and as they walked away I could see it now, the finish.  I felt a little hope that I was almost done, but at the same time my steps slowed, my right leg felt heavier.  Finally I stopped.  I bent forward pressing my hands into my knees and tears welling up in my eyes.  I felt like I was yelling back at my impressions now – I’M ALMOST THERE!  I CAN SEE IT, I can’t come this far and not finish.  I HAVE TO FINISH.  I couldn’t move; my right leg felt like an anchor and I could not physically make my body take another step.  I looked up, and three runners came to my side.  You can do this they encouraged me – you’re so close you have to finish.  I told them that I couldn’t lift my leg, they offered me a shoulder to lean on, and they took all of my weight.  I moved forward, slowly, very, slowly. I apologized that I couldn’t do it on my own; they were encouraging with every step.  I thought okay, try again, and I lowered my right foot to the ground.  As I started to put minimal pressure through the ball of my right foot I felt my right hip collapse.  The pain wasn’t any worse, but I knew that was not good and I knew then that there was no way I could cross that finish line on my own.    As I rounded the final turn I looked up to see Adam running toward me.  He told the runners who had come to my aid that I was his wife and scooped me up like I was a feather.  I felt it then, as my right hip thumped against his waist with each step.  It was only 95 steps to the finish and I could hear a lot of cheers and applause as we passed.  He set me down at the finish and with his support I hopped over the finish line on my left leg and then moved to the side where they quickly brought in a gurney and I was moved to the ambulance.  When I started off the race that was not at all how I intended to finish, but I did finish.         

That afternoon and evening are a vivid blur. It came as quite a shock to me, and the doctors, that I had fractured my right hip and would need surgery to repair it.  Everything happened fast and I was in surgery by 7:30 that night.  I slept heavily that night aided by medications and ice.  As I slept, I dreamt.  I was running again.